I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
