please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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