So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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