i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Couch. On fire.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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