You can't special order awesome
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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