Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
