How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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