Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
