you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
