it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
