Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
