Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
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