Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
