we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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