I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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