it's too hot outside to masturbate.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
