may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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