yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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