If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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