who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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