Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
