Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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