i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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