Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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