I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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