Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
