I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
