he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
