just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
