The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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