Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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