His hands were made for my vagina.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
