You just made me feel so damn special
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
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