Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
