The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
