My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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