The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
