I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
