Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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