bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
