well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
