I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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