I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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