My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Alive.
So much puke
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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