he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
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Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
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Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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