Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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