I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
