Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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