Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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