Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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