Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
