New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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