You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
