took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
