Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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