I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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