he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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